A confession...

I am a selfish blogger. Yes, that's right. For the last month I have written a few blogs and read about the same. Thank you so much for those who come and read and post your comments. It means a lot to me.

I have been so busy this last month that I haven't had the time to read all of yours. And I really want to! I hear everyone comment about how wonderful they are and I'm jealous. Jealous that I've missed out....jealous that I can't write like that! I've been so busy my life has felt chaotic and stressed and even when took time to breathe I couldn't get my mind to focus. I have been concentrating on all the things I need to get done, and very little on anything (or anyone else). I've been selfish and self-absorbed.

BUT, I have been slowing my business down. My family needs me more. I have 4 more classes to teach and I then I'm pretty much done (with the exception of one birth in June and one in September!). I can just be me! I can concentrate on my kids and my church calling and just enjoy life. I'm looking forward to it. I've joined a group of women that go walking 3 times a week, which gives me time to clear my head and calm my thoughts down a bit. It also means that when I take time out for myself (ie. naptime!), I will be heading straight here! And reading....reading....reading.....I can't wait to catch up with all of you and see what's been going on outside of my own little world that I have been so wrapped up in.

A Thank You note

My Kindergartner wrote her first Thank You note today....all by herself. She was really worried to send it becuase she knows that not everything is spelled perfectly, but I told her it would be more special if they knew she did it by herself.

I just have to brag a little, because it's pretty darn cute!


Thakc Q for what youv dun.
I love your presis
To: Kafaleen (btw, Kafaleen is what her younger sister calls Kathleen, lol)



Oh, and Megan doesn't spell yet, but her funny for the day was yelling up the stairs,
"Mooooooooooooommmmmmmm, Emilee says I'm a tattle tell!" lol

What's that called again?

My oldest daugther (I know, I know....about 1/2 my posts start this way....what can I say, she's a hoot!) has been learning about money. She knows her quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies. She understands how money works. Which just made tonights discussion that much more entertaining.


Emilee: Mom, what's that dollar called....the one that has a 5 on it instead of a one...the dollar that is worth 5 dollars?

Me: Um, a five-dollar bill?

Emilee: (slaps her forhead) Ugh....that's right. I can NEVER remember that. They should make them six-dollar bills. Those would be easier to remember.

A Victorious Birth

I got a call on Friday evening from a first time mom, "M". She thought that her water might have broken. She called her Midwife "A" and indeed her water had broken but her cervix was still long and closed. "M" tried to get some sleep that night, although contractions had started a bit. By the am, "M" was about 3cm dilated. We headed into the birth center at around 10am. By now she was 4cm. At noon she was 5cm and her contractions were still pretty short and soft. "A" gave her some homeopathic to help her contract and dilate a bit more. Things really picked up then and by a little after 1pm (yes, just one hour) she was almost complete! She just had this rim of cervix left.
For about an hour she sort of pushed, but not really. lol. Her body didn't really feel much like pushing so we just sort of waited for that cervical lip to go away. Baby was REALLY low. Well, the lip just wasn't budging. Midwife "A" tried to help it out a bit, but that really hurt M so we waited it out a bit more. Around 2:30 "M" had really started to push in ernest. That lip was still there though. It would slide partway around baby's head when mom pushed but flip right back over when mom stopped. Midwife A tried holding it back through several pushes to get baby past. Baby finally got through. M worked really hard. SHe was pushing so well but baby just wasn't moving much. It became apparant that baby did not have it's head tucked. Babies normall tuck their chins in, so that the crown of the head (the smallest part) comes through. Instead this baby was trying to come out with it's head straight up...so that the widest part of the head (from back to front) was trying to fit through that pelvis. Needless to say this was NOT an easy task.

I learned a LOT of new pushing positions that day! She was: in the tub, on her side, on her back, on the toilet, hanging between me and her husband's legs (on leg on each of our knees with her butt to the floor....think supported squat), on her tummy with a swimming ring under her belly. This last position seemed to do the trick. Each contractions she'd rear back up on hands (like a child's pose in yoga) and baby would really move. Baby still hard a hard time fitting the back of it's head past her pelvic bone though. I got to feel though! At one point Midwife A said to me, "Get a glove on and come feel this!" It was really cool! I could feel baby come through the pelvis and then slide back during pushes.

Mom, meanwhile, was doing awesome! She had a few moments where she would cry and ask what she was doing wrong. But if we talked to her, her intense eyes would just stare at us and she'd just focus on us talking. I told her husband to make her look at him if she was loosing control and to just talk to her. He did and she would stare at him, just so depending on his love and support, and he cried and told her how beautiful she was and that he was there for her. It was the most special moment. I had to look away because I felt like I was intruding on a very intimate moment.

Around 4:15, Midwife A was able to actually reach her fingers in and grab baby by the back of the skull and tuck its head (since baby was being so darn stubborn!). Once that happened, baby finally slid out to a crowning position. There was a little corkscrew of curly hair coming out of the top of its head. I got a really good picture of that!

Baby Girl "E" was born at 4:30, weighing 8lbs 7oz! She had a head full of hair and was one of the mellowist babies I've ever seen. She screamed a bit at first, but after a minute or two calmed down and I didn't hear another cry from her the entire time I was there (for another two hours). She just looked around and stared and Daddy and Mommy. Daddy and Mommy cried....actually sobbed uncontrollably for about 10 minutes. They were so overjoyed. We let in a room full of family that had been waiting outside the room eagerly.

The Midwife later said that she knows without a doubt that had "M" been at a hospital she would have had a C-section. Hospitals don't really seem very keen on all the position changes. (I've had several Dr's tell me there's no difference between laying on the bed in stirrups and any other position!). Midwife A described this birth as a "Victorious" birth....and she's right! It wasn't easy....it wasn't even "normal", but it was beautiful and mom worked so hard. It was an amazing birth to witness.

I can't wait to go and see that family for our follow up visit!

What a nice day

The funeral was wonderful. Originally, I wasn't going to take my kids, but in the end thought that perhaps it might actually be helpful. My oldest daughter has some SERIOUS concerns with death. Where she got them, I'll never know as we haven't had to deal with death before. But for the last 2 years or so we've had hours and hours of conversations about it. I've used every analogy, every way of explaining it that is possible and it still comes up quite often. So at first, taking her to a funeral was out of the question. Then we began to think that perhaps this would give her what she needed. You see, she's a very concrete thinker. She can't visualize things and that bothers her. So when we talk about death in the abstract, she just doesn't understand. We thought that perhaps SEEING it, would be helpful. Of course, we were still worried that we would tramatize her for life. In the end she came, along with her younger sister. I prepared them as best as I could and they wanted to go into the Relief Society room where there was an open casket.

I personally had no desire to see my grandfather's body, but that is where grandmother was and I wanted to see her. We went in and the kids did spectacular. I had a minor meltdown in preparation to enter the room, but being in there was not what I expected. It's so obvious that grandpa was not there....that his body was not "him". There was a certain detachment from it because I knew where my grandfather really was. I think my girls could see the same thing and something must have "clicked" with Emilee, because she had only 1 or 2 questions and that was it! (Normally, we talk about death for 2 hours at a time and she can't stop worrying and discussing it). This time, it was "So can he breathe?"

"No, his body doesn't need to breathe. He is in heaven so he doesn't need his body anymore"

"Oh, ok." And she hasn't brought it up since.


Every single grandchild showed up to his funeral. Every. Single. One. I don't know how many there are, but I believe it is around 17 or something. All in all, there were 50 family members there for the family prayer beforehand. I'm not sure how many people were at the funeral total, but there were many people there, in fact, the entire chapel was filled. It was difficult to watch my grandmother kiss him goodbye and tenderly lay an afgan over him. Megan watched and said, "Oh, that's cute."

We all wore pilot's wings. At the very beginning, all of the great-grandchildren got up and sang I am a Child of God. What a perfect tribute to the patriarch of our family! His daughters spoke first. Linda, his oldest, got up and told everyone that were were here to celebrate Grandpa's graduation! My Aunt Jan had become ill that day and was not able to make it. My mother talked read her part, including a beautiful poem my grandfather had written about my grandmother just a couple of years before and mom also spoke about some fond memories she had. I was asked to read the memories I'd written down (my last blog entry). When I finished with "Here lies the shell, the nut is gone" I saw most of my cousins smiling and nodding as I know they had all made the same promise to grandpa.
My cousin Ruth read a poem called High Flight that he has had on his wall for years.

High Flight
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence.
Hov'ring there,I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air. . . .
Up, up the long, delirious burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or ever eagle flew —
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
— John Gillespie Magee, Jr
His favorite song, Ava Maria, was played. Then my cousin Matt spoke and talked of the eternal nature that we are and of being a reflector for Heavenly Father, (he put it MUCH more elegantly than I ever could...it was really an amazing talk). It was the perfect ending to his memorial.

We finished up with food...party food at that. Chili Dogs, cookies and Ice cream....etc. We had brightly colored napkins and plates to represent how Grandpa would have wanted us to have a party and be upbeat. Each table had a bowl of M&M's on it....something Grandpa loved. By the end, all of the children (probably close to 20 great grandchildren had been there) were running around the gym playing and having a good time, just as Grandpa would have wanted.

It was not nearly as emotionally exhausting as I thought it would be. I cried, of course, and several times. But at the end of the day, the sun was shining and I thought to myself, "This was a good day."

In Memory Of William Hamilton Hall

When I think back to my childhood memories of my Grandpa Bill, I think of the jokester. Grandpa loved to joke with all of us grandkids. A trip to see him wasn't complete unless he had teased or tricked us in some way. He would call our home, and when I would answer, he would say, "Who's this?"

"It's me, Heather."

"No it's not, this is Grandpa!!!" he would joke.

I thought I would get the best of him and trick him up, so the next time he called and asked "Who is this?" I would reply, "It's Grandpa!" thinking that I was so smart. In schocked disbelief he would gasp, "You're grandpa too? So am I!!!"

My little child's mind would get so flustered when he would call because I knew I couldn't win. He loved to tease. He would tell us that the reason he had a little bit of jiggle under his chin was because his hair had fallen out and down into a sack under his chin. For years I believed that the scar on his head was from a bullet in WWII. He also claimed to have invented anything we were interested in at the moment...cars, dolls, sandwiches, the earth, etc. I can remember him taking walks with me when I would stay at my grandparents and he would take me to Lion's Park and point out the snake holes (at least, I think they were, he might have been pulling my leg then as well!)


Some special things about my grandpa:
1. He baptised me
2. He came to my wedding even though it was difficult for him to make the drive
3. He loved M&M's, particularly the big 2lb bag!
4. He loved B-17 bombers
5. He was an excellent baseball player- he pitched!
6. He grew a gotee last year! He was the best looking grandpa around!

I am blessed to have a bit of his life and story written down for me. He wrote them several years ago and gave them to everyone in the family. I'd like to share some of what he wrote...I'm sharing the parts that make me smile.

"I was told later in life that at birth I was so ugly and wrinkled they nicknamed me "Grandpa". I was transported from floor to floor and room to room to show the patients so they could see this little tiny ugly old man! So for a week the hospital patients were kept laughing and in good spirits by this old ugly baby. This is my only claim to fame.

...One final episode with Matches- Some how one of the matches I had in my pocket jumped out and set the house on fire underneath the back porch. Excitement, Excitement! No need to give details. Let your imagination dictate what happened in the next few days.

High school was next. Even though we were in a deep depression and had little of material things I enjoyed my high school years. I sang in the school Acapella choir, participated in three school operettas, namely: The Deseret Song, Chocolate Soldier and South Od Sonora in which I had a speaking part. In addition I took part in football, basketball and baseball. Baseball was my best sport and I pitched for a semi-pro team in the "Three State League". This was at the age of 16. I was offered a contract with the Chicago white sox farm team for the following year. However, I blew that by pitching too hard and too long in a game which I struck out 18 and one the game 2 to nothing. However showing off to the grandstand at that game ruined my arm and my pitching days were over.

During High school I did go to dances, etc, but never went steady with one girl. At my 50th class reunion one girl I took to a high school dance reminded me of the time I took her to the dance in a hearse. My father was a mortician and the hearse was the only car available.

I always chewed gum like a mad man. One night I was dancing with a young girl I knew and we went swirling pass the front doors which happened to be open to let some fresh air in. It was windy outside and I was talking up a storm and a gust of wind blew a big mass of the girls hair into my mouth and with my chewing and talking I magaged to get a big piece of sticky gum well intagled in her hair. This really made me a nerd.

It was in that dancehall I met my current bride. I did not know how to pick up a girl or ask to take her home. I fumbled around with some nerdy lines, but she rescued me by suggesting I walk her home. (They were married Dec 1st , 1940.....65 years of marriage!!!!)

War clouds were gathering and on Dec 7th, 1941 Japan attacked our naval forces in Pearl Harbor and the war was on. I enlisted in the air force soon after Christmas of 1941 and spent the next 4 years in uniform as an airplane driver. I currently hold a civilan commercial pilots license.

In 1956, our favorite youngest daughter was born (this was my mother. My grandpa had a way of calling everyone his "favorite"....favorite youngest daughter, favorite oldest daugher, favorite granddaughter named Heather...). Since she was supposed to have been a boy we hamed her Billie Ruth.

In conclusion, if I were asked for some advice I would say the following:
1. Be Yourself
2. Don't take yourself too seriously
3. Give more than you take- and I don't mean punches
4. Honor completely your father and mother
5. Be humble about your talents- they were god-given
6. Be honest in your dealing with your fellow man
7. Look to your father in Heaven in all things."



I'm a little nervous to go to the funeral as I've never been to one before but my mother tells me that grandpa has instructed everyone to imagine him standing at the end of his coffin, with his fingers stuck in his ears saying, "nana nana na na!" Good ole' Grandpa!

Grandpa,
I love you so much. I miss you. But I am so happy that you are free and young again and with Heavenly Father and those family members I know you have missed so much over the years. Each time I've seen you over the last several years, you've made me promise to say something when you died. I'm keeping that promise.

There lies the shell, the NUT is gone!

Grandpa Bill 1919-2006

WOW

Has it been two weeks already? My life has been so busy lately. I keep putting my blog on the back burner and thinking "I'll get to in in a couple of days." Obviously that hasn't happened. And it probably won't happen again again for at least a week! I took on WAY to many clients this month and I am working too much.

Last month my oldest told me that I was going to too many "meetings" and that she hated that I was gone so much. I told her that if it really bothered her I would not do as many births. Her eyes widened and she said, "You mean *I* am more important than BIRTHS?!?!"

It was cute, but it broke my heart as well. She should know that; that is not a question I want my children to have. Yes, they are more important to me than my births. I do the births because I love to do them and it is a side of me I get to fulfill other than mommy-mode. I do them becuase they bring in a little extra cash, which we could certainly use. But I am Mommy first right now, not doula. So I'm cutting back.

I still have to fulfil my obligations to the clients I have already scheduled, obviously. So that means I am crazy busy until the end of this month. And then not so much. The summer will just be me and my kids and an occasional birth. Come fall, I will take time off completely for my family for a few months. This will give us all the break we need.

I'll always do births...even if it is just a couple a year...but my family comes first. And you can't ignore a child reaching out for more mommy time, especially if they use those exact words!

So, you won't hear from me again for at least a week. But I haven't forgotten my blog!