Top 10 instructions from the Pre-existance

Inspired by my 19 month old, these are the last minute instructions my babies recieved in the pre-existance before they were born.

10. Do not, under any circumstances, allow your parents wash your face. If they try to do so anyway, scream and arch your back as if they are applying acid.

9. There are 5 main food groups that you must consume every day. Parents are not aware of this so you must beg several hundred times. These include: macaroni & cheese, top ramen, goldfish, fruit snacks and yogurt.

8. "Come here" means "run away as fast as you can". Following this direction will make your parents very happy, even if they do not look like it.

7. Whatever you do, do not allow them to cook in the kitchen alone. Whenever they attempt to cook a meal or do the dishes, cling to them as if you are stuck with superglue.

6. On birthdays, you will receive the best gifts. They are boxes, covered in bright paper and bows. For some reason, parents often put junk inside the boxes, but just throw that stuff to the side and you can enjoy your boxes and wrapping paper for hours!

5. Parents are organizationally challenged. So help them out by moving objects from the places your parents have put them and moving them to where they belong, which is usually in the middle of the floor in another room. At first your parents will be resistant and try to put things back, but as time goes on and other children join your family, they will eventually give in.

4. When you are not getting your way, stick your bottom lip out just so, open your eyes as large as you can and let a single alligator tear roll down your cheek. Works every time.

3. Markers work best on arms, legs and tummies.

2. Diapers are for peeing in, and toilets are for washing dolls.

1. You are equipped with a "intimacy-o-meter". Any time your parents are getting too friendly, your meter will sound and you will be able to spontaneously awaken. For the sake of your own self-preservation, please put your meter to use and scream bloody murder each time your meter goes off. We know it's hard to awaken from a dead sleep, but if you don't something really bad might happen, like a little brother or sister who will steal your toys.